I've had a birthday come today, it's been a bit of a washout too
Though I had presents from everyone of the useful kind
Without much fun and a bit of a party do
Birthdays are jolly my mummy said
Ha-ha, mine's finished up being sent to bed
What's the good of a birthday if you can't have what you like
What's the good of a hankerchief to a fellow who wants a bike

They gave me a brush to clean me teeth and a tube of paste as well
And it wasn't the paste with the peppermint taste, it was a nasty carbollicky smell
So I squeezed all the paste on the carpet for fun
And I stood on the toothbrush so that break was done
And I won't use me hanky I'll just let it run
What's the good of a birthday

And the birthday party too it wasn't much good to me
I'd honey sandwiches, then some ham, some trifle jelly with cream and jam
And seven big cups of tea
And just then I noticed a big pork pie - I couldn't have it - now I ask you why
What's the good of a birthday if you can't eat till you're sick
What's the good of a piece of cake if a fella can't have his pick

They told me I'd be a P.I.G. and that I'd best beware, ha-ha
I said P.I.G.'s are happier than me, so why should I bloomin'well care
Then I crept in the larder and guess what I got
A tin of sardines and I et all the lot, he-he
Then I showed them if I could be sick or not, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, hoo-hoo
It was awful - all over the place

When I'd been sick they said that's that and me birthday they said was done
They washed me hands and washed me face, I was sent to bed
I was in disgrace - just as if being sick was fun
They took all me clothes from the bedroom
'Cause then they said I'd have to stay where I was
What's the good of a birthday if a fella's sent to bed
What's the good of a party, 'ey, if a fella's upstairs instead

The Reverend Brown, I knew was down in the dining room below
With Mrs Devine and Willy and Jean all laughing with Aunty Flo
I wandered and wanted to join in the din but I knew in pyjamas I mustn't go in
So I just took 'em off and went down in me skin, ha-ha-ha...
Ah, what's the good of a birthday if a fella can't have a joke
What's the good of a birthday suit if it shocks all the grown up folk

'Cause now I'm back in bed again and I've promised not to play any more pranks
'Cause mummy's cross and daddy's cross and when daddy's cross he spanks
So I'm lying in bed, I'm in more disgrace
And I'm smarting and smarting in one certain place
And I guess for tonight I should sleep on me face
What's the good of a birthday?